Freebirth as a first time mum, mothering and saying goodbye to your maiden self, and post partum challenges || Brooke's birth of Mana-Kai at home (New South Wales)

Episode 69 is shared by Brooke, a first time mum who chose to freebirth her first baby, Mana-kai. 

Brooke talks us through her pregnancy, her reflections on mothering and grieving her maiden self and then her very cosy birth of Mana-kai, labouring without electricity due to power outages for much of her labour. 

She also shares her post partum journey, chatting about breastfeeding and the challenges of her prolapse.  

Resources: 

• How to Belly Map
  • Video of Belly Mapping
• I couldn't find specific resources exploring maidenhood to motherhood but this concept is explored in these resources
  • Childbirth as a Rite of Passage 
  • 10 Moons 
• Baby CPR 
• I haven't listened but this is an ep from B from Core Floor Restore chatting about prolapse 
  • https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/03-b-core-floor-restore-its-not-normal-to-pee-poo-yourself/id1625607785?i=1000564849488

Transcript

0:02

Welcome to Birthing at Home, a podcast. I'm Elsie, host. I'm a home birth mom of two little boys, a doula in Melbourne supporting birth at home. I'm a mental health nurse and the co-creator of Home Birth Victoria. If you want to learn more about me, the podcast, all my work, check out www.birthingathome.com.au. Before we begin, I would like to acknowledge the Wurundjeri people who are the traditional custodians of the land I'm recording on in Ngaam, Melbourne, Australia. I would also like to acknowledge the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples have been birthing at home on country for tens of thousands of years prior to the British invasion and acknowledge that sovereignty has never been ceded. Episode 69 is shared by Brooke, a first time mum who chose to free birth her first baby, Menachai. Brooke talks us through her pregnancy, her reflections on mothering and grieving her maiden self, and then her very cozy birth of Menachai. including laboring without electricity due to power outages for much of her labor. She also shares her postpartum journey chatting about breastfeeding and the challenges of her prolapse. Enjoy. Welcome Brooke to birthing at home a podcast. Thanks Elsie, hello. Thank you for joining me um on this Thursday evening. Brooke, could you start off by letting the listeners know a little bit about you, who's in your family, where you're located, that kind of thing? Yeah sure, so I am located in Goonagurri, northern New South Wales and I um live with my partner Isaac and our almost seven month old baby boy, Manakai. Yeah we've been up here for about five years now but we're both from the Hawkesbury Blue Mountains area in New South Wales. Yeah, brilliant. And pre-Malachi, what kind of work did you do or do you do? so I am an artist, mostly using paints and also doing different crafts. so still doing little bits and pieces of that where I can, but, um, mostly for work, for income, I was doing support work. and my partner and I, we do sound journeys together, so he's a musician. Um, so I would do a bit of. flute and different things as well with that. oh And yeah, dabbled in hospitality and um other things before that. Yeah, amazing. And so the question I um pretty much always start off with is, how did you find about home birth? Like did you have you always known about home birth? Like what is your journey to finding home birth? Yeah, well, I guess growing up, I didn't really think about home birth. It wasn't in my awareness. I just thought birth happened in hospital. 103 were born in hospital. And until I met my partner, which we would have been like 15, I think, and him and his older brother were born at home. Oh, wow. And so that was quite normal. I suppose, like he already had quite a positive outlook on birth and that it was just something simple and um safe to do at home. So I guess that was like a bit of a door open. um yeah, one thing led to another and through, yeah, over the next like few years and once I... kind of reached my 20s and started thinking about having kids and getting to know myself. I imagined only birthing at home would be my choice just because I feel most comfortable and privacy and safe. I'm kind of more of an introverted person. And then yeah, I went on to do some doula training in my early 20s, so a years back. That was also like a, I guess it confirmed like how beautiful birth could be at home and was also really eye-opening and um yeah, that's been kind of like how things have led me to here. And so, yeah, I kept studying, I suppose, just self-studying for the last few years and not really following the dwellering too much. I supported one birth and then ended up um pregnant myself like about two years later I think. So yeah, so that's kind of on hold but I would love to also go back to that. I feel really passionate supporting women and families. Yeah, it's addictive. mean, oxytocin is addictive, right? Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. And so, you know, on this sort of journey to discovering and being like, I'm going to choose home birth. Did you like get the opportunity to speak to Isaac's mom or like anybody else that had had home births? Like, did you have friends or know anybody else? Yeah, I did. like in the few years before falling pregnant, I definitely um was around quite a few people who were home birthing. Like this area of New South Wales is, um there's a lot of people choosing home birth. I guess it's quite common. So yeah, people that I was meeting and in circles with were, and I did get to speak to Isaac's mom and um But in pregnancy I got even more curious and so we had more chats about it. But yeah, it definitely felt like it was just a no-brainer for me. Birth, yeah. Yeah, amazing. so did you choose to have like midwives or a doula or what was your support team going to look like? Yeah, so um when I fell pregnant it wasn't super clear. Like I just went to start looking for a midwife and we were at the time living down in Nimbwida which is a little south of here and um yeah, so I started to call midwives and we're like, you know, considering moving back up here. We really wanted to be here for this. season of life and as I started speaking to Midwives I guess it started feeling like it wasn't exactly the support that I was looking for. I've always felt like I since thinking of having babies like I've wanted to have my babies undisturbed and I have a lot of trust in birth and my body. m and women's bodies. I also didn't want a lot of the checks and monitoring that many midwives offer and sometimes push. Knowing myself and how my mind can be swayed by others, fears and coercion. I felt for me the best way that I could have an understood birth where I was connected to my knowing. I was able to experience birth as a rite of passage, the initiation that it is. Yeah, I felt for me that it was best to not invite a registered midwife into the space and ultimately I didn't want to be at the hands of the regulations that midwives have to follow. As they are so tired to the hospital and healthcare system these days, um I got that got more clear just as as pregnancy went on I kind of had found one midwife who I actually really liked and um She wasn't available at the time she was going to see so I was like, okay. Well, yeah Just kept looking for what what felt right we ended up with a doula and it's Carla for um woman from up here and um Yeah, basically um I didn't take the decision lightly. Like it was a whole lot of consideration in it. And I felt like all the preparation as well, like before pregnancy made me feel um comfortable with that um choice and also willing to take the responsibility that comes with that. from years of preparation. oh absolutely. It isn't um a decision that's taken lightly. um mean, people that birth at home as a generalization usually have a sort of different knowledge base around birth and physiology and all of that. But, you know, if you're also choosing to birth without a midwife, know, often um Yeah, you do have to take like that. You know, some people call it radical responsibility or whatnot. I think I've heard of Carla. Is she on Instagram? Yeah. Cool. Um, yeah, that's the one. yeah, amazing. And so when you first became pregnant, did you like go to the GP or like, what was, what was your like that initial sort of first trimester like for you. So when I first found out I was pregnant, I was really shocked to be honest. It was like pretty, it was kind of a surprise. My partner and I knew we'd have children, but he came a bit sooner than we had planned, expected. I had thinking like, oh, you've got a few years ahead of me. I'm going to study this year and it's about to book in. Oh my goodness. But no, my Yeah. And I was ready a bit sooner, yeah. And yeah, so like that initial shock was a lot. And I actually had a dream on New Year's Eve, the last year. Like five days after he was conceived, that I was pregnant and I woke up like, holy shit. And yeah, that was kind of like... That was the sign and it took me about a week of digesting that, like, just, you know, it's just bringing something up for me. Like, how would I really deal with that? And after a week, I just couldn't bear it. I did a pregnancy test at home. We did and it confirmed it very quickly. basically I didn't feel the urge to go to a GP. Felt like, um yeah, I mean, I already don't go to doctors really. unless it's for something like a prescription or like a referral or something big that I know they can help with. um not a disease right you're not sick right and that's how I see it and feel about it. I always felt like if there were something wrong I would probably feel that and I wouldn't hesitate to go and get some support. And so I did see a GP once in pregnancy though like maybe halfway through and that was just for a referral for the chiro while seeing. kind of regularly, just to support with some pain I was having in my hips and back. But honestly that GP visit was pretty hectic. I left Berlin like I was like attacked. Yeah. You know, because it's not so, yeah, it's not so normal to make the choice and I guess like all of her fears were just like vomited out on me and like I was kind of like feeling like I was just attacked to do like tests and this and that and need to do this and yeah so that was that was pretty hectic I definitely didn't feel like going to another doctor unless I had to but yeah I chose not to do tests either. I could, I've had a lot of reassurance from feeling my baby move though and like as he got bigger I learned from my doula like how to barely map and feel where he was and so like for the last part of pregnancy I could really feel comfortable knowing I could feel him and so much movement. But yeah, back to the first trimester like it was also physically. I was quite ill, like just feeling so tired and in the summer. So I was just like laying flat on the couch under the fan for most of the days. yeah, it was pretty deep, feel like mentally, emotionally, physically. It felt like I was like. excavating through a lot of shit. And like, know, thoughts that like, no, no, no, not now, like I'm not ready. I imagined that I'd be like things that came up for me were like, didn't know if I would be able to be a loving mother, present mother. I really wanted to be a good mother. you know, the way that I see a good mother um to be. And I just thought I wasn't ready. I hadn't done enough life, enough healing, wasn't mature enough. And so those thoughts came up and like the fear of losing my freedom and really just starting to grieve that maiden already. Okay. I really felt that through pregnancy. There's a lot of tears, a lot of. um like my little young self coming up and like she being like, it's not gonna be about me. And I literally said this at one point, I was having like a breakdown in the car and I just came out like, it's never gonna be just about me anymore. You know, it's like, it was just this and it just, I could see it straight away like this young girl, but really was, um yeah, feeling like I was, getting totally left behind. Now I have to put myself into service to this young one which is such a beautiful thing but like there is that... um yeah. well, two things are like a paradox, right? Yeah, like two things can be true at the same time. I've really not thought of that before, Like, I would like to say, yeah, yeah, like it's never going to be just about me. my gosh. my gosh. And I definitely feel it right now. have a five year old or almost five. He'll be five on Tuesday. And an almost two year old, but um yeah, the fact that I've been a parent essentially for five years is just no wonder I feel so exhausted. because yeah, it's not it's not it's not about just you anymore. Like, yeah, obviously. Yeah. And I suppose, yeah, you have to learn like how to I mean, you have to learn so many things, but also how to still make space for you. Like it's not just about you, but you still take up space and you deserve space and time and, you know, um Yeah. uh Yeah. And for a lot of us, myself included, there is like a lot of unlearning around parenting and the way that we choose to parent is quite different from, you know, perhaps the way that we were shown maybe what parenting is or, um you know, um and that's like quite confronting. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And so throughout your pregnancy, did you have other moments like this or did you feel that it was quite contained to the high sort of emotions and hormone changes and, you know, sudden realization and all of that over the first trimester? It was particularly in the first trimester those kinds of challenges that came up. um I noticed a very noticeable shift in the second trimester. Like I just felt excellent. Like I was just like oozing love and happy hormones. Like I felt really, really great in the second trimester. And people had said that like when I was in the first, like, don't worry, you'll get to like. I feel good again. I was like, I bloody hope so. Like it felt so long. But yeah, it that that was really blissful for middle. And I felt like a lot of excitement come about, the baby coming and starting to like I felt connected to the baby before. But it was more like I. I was much more enjoying that and like watching my belly grow and just the magnificence of the body. It was so incredible. um But then in the third trimester, some more fears came up, like getting closer to birth, but they more around birth itself. um And I guess things like, about the possible birth complications, which I'd already considered, but went further into and just explored even more and got bit more serious with. Like I was doing some courses throughout, one being, it was like a short, I can't remember, a free birth course with a, I think, Australian woman. And then there was another, free birth course with the Free Birth Society and just a lot of podcasts and books, stories. I found stories really helpful the whole way through pregnancy. I mean on and off there were times where I just had to shut everything off and yeah, for sure. But yeah, sorry. And so like through cut, like when did Carla come into the picture? Yeah, so she came in around, I think it was around the second trimester when we moved back up here. So that first trimester was also stressful. We like finding a house and you know, like the financial instability and wondering where we'd landed. It's not the easiest to find a house in this area at the best of times. But yeah, we landed in a beautiful place in the forest. And yeah, around that time we went and met with Carla and felt really, really suited for us. um And so we saw her like, I think six times before birth. And four of those were with Isaac, which um I really liked and he really liked because I guess in this situation, like Isaac was my main support and that's how I wanted it, how he was willing to do it. And so, to have him such a part of it was really important as well. So yeah, going through those conversations together about what ifs and it was, at times I was like, Yeah, having a lot of doubts, know, especially near the end, like, have I got enough support around me? Am I capable? Like, am I going to cope with pain? This is a big one as well. um I thought I had a terrible pain threshold, but thankfully all the hormones kick in in birth and I don't think that matters as long as like, yeah, getting all those hormones flushed through makes it very manageable. yeah, basically, um those fears around the birth complications and things like I brought up with Carla and Isaac and like in Carla's role she's not a part of you know that she's not supporting medically or in any complications and so she would point us in the right direction and always hand us back the power and maybe guide us on how we could um equip ourselves better and I so appreciated all of her handing back of the power and never overstepping her role, was still just amazing support for us. so near the end, um we got a bit more clear. I ended up writing a birth plan in case we ended up in hospital, which also ending up in hospital was one of my biggest fears. Like that, I noticed, kept coming up here and there. um because I guess I've quite an awareness around how the cascading interventions can happen in there and maybe you can be prepared but you never know what to expect as well. So that was a big fear of mine. um I don't particularly like hospitals so yeah, that was the last place I wanted to be unless I needed to be of course. I'm super glad we only live. like 25 minutes to one. We needed one. we did a bit more preparation in those last months, like just as in like getting ourselves prepared for those what ifs, which um to some extent we can um prepare ourselves, which is like learning baby CPR. um You know, like I considered. the baby coming out not breathing because it definitely can happen and um how we would navigate that and like a shoulder dystocia and hemorrhage and all these things. My partner and I got a bit more prepared for um and yeah, I'm quite an organized kind of person so like I printed these things out and had them on paper like my birth plan and the CPR. Yeah. And like just things that would support me through the birth like a little cheat sheet. I don't think he needed it honestly, but yeah, it was just a way that I could feel like I was organized. Yeah. And it probably made you feel more settled and be like, okay, I feel like got that I've got that. So, you know, it relieves some other, you know, layer of anxiety, even though, so Isaac, he himself was born at home. Yeah. Even though he was born at home, did he have any fears or concerns or anything like that? He really didn't like, no, he was so trusting and supportive the whole way through. um He did say that like only right before Manu was born was when he like started worrying like, okay, like this is what, you know, like what if he comes out not breathing? But basically through pregnancy, slightly, we would have conversations, but not really like. In general, he's already very trusting. And so in, did you do, so you did like CPR and you did some, did you say you did the free birth society? Is it a course that they do? Yeah, it's kind of um like just covers a lot of topics. It's really not that much of like a practical course. um It's you know, it's not like teaching you how to prevent any of those or I guess yeah prevent them but no it was more just to bring awareness around around what can happen uh and yeah I found some of that very helpful. And was there specific ways that you felt apart from that sort of education kind of stuff that you felt like you were preparing your body, preparing yourself to encounter the power of labor and birth and that whole journey? Yeah, I guess I was in the, yeah, I suppose like for me I was preparing through meditating and I had like the freedom obviously being my first, I had a lot of time in pregnancy, wasn't working a lot and so. um Yeah, just simple body awareness and breath meditation and um some other practices that I do physically. I was also doing Pilates, it was like keeping strong and um yeah, feeling strong and also stretching my body. I was getting Kyra done with bit of extra support. um But yeah, I guess I... um I listen to a lot of stories and um I felt like there wouldn't be too much else I could do, in a sense. Like I feel like the years leading up to I've prepared in some way, like I've experienced some things that... maybe I could draw a little bit of similarity from like, know, plant medicine journeys and meditation and really big hikes. But like these are all I could really draw upon and then people's stories and it's like, okay, well, um yeah, I can, uh I believe that I had like the kind of um mental strength. But yeah, I did not know what was coming like physically, know, I don't know. Hard to comprehend what that's gonna feel like. Yeah, I think, even like reflecting on my second birth, like, I mean, and even, you know, listening to pretty much any of the episodes on the podcast where, you know, somebody's had like multiple babies at home. Like it's, it's never like a copy paste situation. You know, I thought that Murphy, mean, um Frankie, sorry, I thought he would be, you know, my second baby. I'd done this before. It would be quicker. But actually, I think that I didn't handle the pain as well as I did. with, uh, Murphy, think I struggled a lot more with Frankie and like upon reflection, it's because maybe I did get caught out and thinking, I've done this before. like, it'll be fine. And for some, some women, it is like that. It's, know, kind of like riding a bike, I guess. but yeah, for me, I wonder how my experience, perhaps might've been. different. um If I had done more breath work or been more relaxed throughout my whole pregnancy. But yeah, you don't know until you're actually in that portal, right? And you're actually experiencing, no matter if it's baby one or two or three or, I mean, maybe if you're up like five babies or something, maybe you become like an expert or something. find some kind of... Yeah. uh actually do. I have also reflected that like, m I am kind of, I have a tendency to, like towards doubt and um kind of preparing for the worst case scenario in life. Like I can tend to do that when big things come up. um And so like, I guess in some sense, I feel like that was beneficial because I imagined um maybe pain even worse and um things going um not as planned and um in but yet at the same time, about at the same time but I also can do that and then also like I was you know in pregnancy still sitting and visualizing the birth that I did want. praying for what I did want. so like, feel like that kind of way that I was also really helpful for the way to prepare, like exploring the worst case scenarios, how that would feel, how I navigate it. But yeah, it's... It was such a mystery as well and sitting in that unknown, like getting closer to it was pretty freaky at times. Like had no idea what's coming. Yeah. Do you know roughly how many weeks you were when Menachai was born? Yes, well I knew when we conceived so like I was kind of going off my conception date so it would have been like 39 weeks and five days but really if that was like I realized that most people counted different so I was coming on 42 weeks if you were counting it from like the usual last period or whatever but yeah from conception it was 39 weeks and five days. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, so um crazy. What a difference that can make. um And did you have like you obviously were very in tune with your body throughout this whole process. Did you have any signs? Or did you experience any signs that you know, your body was preparing for labor in those weeks leading up to that? Yeah, for like, I'd say a month it was. I was getting my practicing Hicks kind of mild contractions. ah They'd mostly come in the night and or sometimes just when I was moving around in the day. Yeah, so that was reassuring. Like I felt like that was, um yeah, I felt like my body preparing and getting and sometimes like as it got stronger later on it was just giving me a little glimpse you know what I'm having to what was coming and I quite liked that my body was doing that. uh was kind of like a slow introduction. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Do you want to walk us through the labor and birth of Manichae? Yeah, we'd love to. yeah, those... So it was a Friday night and I woke up at midnight, two in the morning. And as I walked down the hallway, I noticed water leaking down my legs and I amniotic fluids. They just started leaking and by the time I was walking back down I felt some really mild contractions coming on. yeah, Isaac had gone to it at the same time and then I just let him know when we laid down back in bed. We also realized at that point that our power was out. It had been like raining and storming for days. We had no power. um Yeah, it happens often where we are. so I laid back in bed, tried to sleep very on and off and it kind of just gradually started getting a bit too uncomfortable to lay down. And so like about 3am I went into our spare bedroom because I figured I was just disturbing Isaac's sleep and you know, we could be on and he'll need his rest. So I went in there and I was just like, resting in between and then just having to be up on all fours or like leaning forward for the for the surges because they were just too uncomfortable to be laying down. um And I was getting little sleeps in between and I was just kind of picking up until like um the sun started coming up or like dawn and I came out into the lounge room and we had our fire going and I was just moving around in the room there and thankfully Isaac woke up to me stirring because I was like starting to feel like, yeah this is, this feels like it and love your support and like we've got to get some shit together because we've got no power, no running water, like no hot water. Oh my gosh. And it was still like bucketing down rain. It's so much rain these days. yeah, so like I had a couple of candles going and basically Isaac got up and I just was like kind of ordering him around after not long like, yeah, we've got to get water. We had water for the toilet and catch water from the downpipes like to drink and... um Yeah, we got the space set up and put towers down, put the pool out but we couldn't blow it up or anything. And yeah, so I just kind of... just kept moving through that with movement. It was very gradual and Isaac was, ah he was pretty busy like getting things and he had like hot pots of water on the fireplace and bringing me hot towels when it started getting quite painful. ah I had a couple of things to eat over that day like a platter he brought out. like an array of different things like fruits and beef schnitzel and cheese and avocado and I was just so into the beef schnitzel and cheese and that's about it but had some fruit later on and um yeah it was um What was it? It was... sorry, I've totally just lost my mind for a second. I compliment you. Yeah. I cannot believe that you had no power. Did you feel, do you remember feeling stressed about that? Yes, a little bit. um I remember I was asking Isaac to check essential energy, like when is it expected to come back on? And there was no estimates, like it was just who knows? And then as I got deeper, um it was probably around mid-afternoon where I felt like I really dropped in to an altered state. And I was certainly not thinking about the power after that. Like, it was just like babies coming out of me, whether we've got water, we've got power or not. Like, yeah, yeah, we had had plenty of candles and had a little boom speaker. So we were playing some music. I had a really nice long birth playlist um going for the half of the day. And Yeah, so really I stopped thinking about the power um after a while. And yeah, was just kind of, I was doing laps around the house. Like movement was really necessary for a lot of it. Like just swaying, leaning over things. I had like a makeshift berth sling hanging from our roof like just with hammock and that was awesome and a birth ball and sounds like sounds really carried me through the whole thing I was just making like low ooo's and mmm's and I found that amazing it was just like sometimes it was just like like melting that the intensity and pain and The pain really started to pick up more in my back um as the day went on. And that is what became most uncomfortable, more than the uterus. But I could still feel Manah, I could tell he wasn't posterior. So I was assured by that, but it was still like, my gosh, wasn't expecting such intense pain in my back. um Yeah, um Isaac was also using the Moxa stick on me in different spots, mostly around the sacral and doing some pressure points and using this delicious massage oil our friend made for us. So he was awesome, was really hands on. um I felt like I really needed him as it got stronger. I even remember saying one point, I need you here more. He was like, you know, running around doing things or... And yeah, so he was such a pillar for me the whole way through. yeah, I remember that it was... It was dark, so we had decided to call our doula. We knew it was kind of just going... up and up. There was kind of one lull in the middle of the day where I got a rest. It slowed down for I don't know how long, maybe an hour, and I could really rest. And then, yeah, it just kept picking up. I was mostly just bent over a chair as well in front of the fireplace and then out moving around. Yeah, just being forward was really relieving. But yeah, our doula, she... So she had to come from like an hour away and it was crazy though, at some point we were like considering will she even get here like trees down on roads, heaps of roads slotted and she lives out like in the bush as well. So we were like, she did get it here just a long way. And she got here like 6 p.m. and um yeah, so we had just been I was sitting on the toilet for a contraction, my partner, in front of me and we'd come out of there and she was just sitting in our dining table and just super calm and we both felt so much ease with her there, just knowing someone was there who had been to heaps of births and had birthed herself. And she was just so calm and steady. the whole time. And yeah, I really loved her presence there and she'd kind of just like follow me around kind of closely and sit with me, sit beside me or like bring me water and then give space as well. And when she came, I remember Isaac and her talking and she was saying that maybe he should go for a rest and Yeah, because was like getting on late night and I was thinking, I remember thinking like, God, don't go. He just laid on the lounge for a bit and then ended up going to lay on the bed for a bit. And he said he didn't really rest. He was kind of just like having visuals like he was like he was having a bit of a trip himself. And he said it was like. really quite intense because I was, I suppose what I noticed is that like having that space though was another moment for me to come back in and find more inner resource because I was definitely like really leaning on him for support which was amazing but I also found that like things picked up a little bit more when he wasn't in the space for a little while and my doodle was just there. Yeah. Yeah, because I guess like that's kind of our has been our dynamic in our relationship a bit like we've been together for coming on 11 years and so I can see like how I can um lean on him becoming dependent and yeah, so that was another great like pivotal point I feel in the the labor. um But um Yeah, he came back out and I was super glad to see him back. I think I said straight away, squeeze my hips, even though it wasn't really doing anything. just wanted you to touch me. but yeah, so that, yeah, at that point. It was just picking up and I remember walking around the house, I walked to different stands at the windowsill for a contraction and there'd be lightning and thunder and so was like fully stormy and it was awesome. And I didn't feel concerned at all about that. And another interesting thing I noticed is that I didn't feel fearful throughout the birth. I thought that I would, especially with all the fears that came up in pregnancy and just like the intensity of the thing, but it was not present. Like I had, I definitely had thoughts of doubts, which I could remember like a handful very clearly, but I don't recall feeling fear. Like it was, it was just like such an, such an instinctual embodied experience of like, like full animal. And then in between that, I remember feeling like, you know, like those in between surge stages, which I felt like I was coming back from dreams, but I never remembered where I was or what was happening. But it was like this kind of interesting polarity of like so in the body and like feeling like all this intense sensation. And then like almost completely out of the body. And I don't know where I was all those times in between. Yeah. my gosh. Yeah, but there was, yeah, like a few thoughts that I do remember clearly was like, I was having like a repeat a little bit like, how much longer is this going to go for? And how much stronger is it going to get? And I remember just thinking that quite a few times and I was like, gosh, I'm to like get this out. And I vocalised, I said something like, I don't know if I can handle this. much longer. And honestly, I wasn't, I don't think anyone responded to me like Carla or Isaac, but I also knew that I was totally able to handle it long. I just needed to get that out. was kind of like maybe it was my moment of transition. I don't know. I didn't really, I can't really see any other time that was, so maybe that was kind of that. Yeah. And like at times I thought of like if I was in hospital if I had an epidural on offer like how I'd totally take it because my back was so sore. But then like all I thought about going to hospital and just thought about getting in the car and thought hell no could I get in the car right now? How do women labor in cars? Yeah. would be crazy to think but um. Yeah, so, um, yeah. And then basically it was about 10 o'clock and the lights just switch on like our lamps and the power came back on. Yeah. Yeah. I was just like, I'm heading to the shower and then straight to the shower. It was so good. The shower was amazing. And, um, they started blowing up the pool and filling it up. And yeah, it was feeling like getting quite close and yeah, I was a bit like impatient with the pool like, my God, get me in the water. Like I got a taste for the hot water and how good it felt. I was like, Oh, I gotta get in there. And yeah, eventually I did and I think it was around that point where I put my hand up just to do a self check to feel and I could feel his head. It was exciting and reassuring and I told Isaac and we're like, Oh my gosh. Yeah, he's close. By the way, we didn't know he was a boy, but there was, there was very strong feeling that he was a boy like from the beginning. Um, yeah, we were almost already referring to him as him, but It was still like, yeah, who knows? But yeah, so at that point, was like, that was about two hours before he was actually born. And so I was able to be in the pool for the pushing stage. And even though it was like really relieving to get in the water, it also just picked up like to a level I didn't. And like I couldn't have expected, like I didn't think the pushing stage would be that intense actually. m So it amped up, but it was also really good to be in the water. And I was just kind of like throwing myself around in different positions where I'd feel comfortable. yeah, starting to get like really roaring. Like it was, it was kind of like I was catching myself at times even the sounds that were coming out of me. was like I was trying to get out of my body. It was so uncomfortable. It was like. like really wild sounds and then I just bring it back down to this deep deep raw and it would just like center me like I felt like this pillar come down the center and like bring it down and bring the energy back down and I was already aware like prepared as well for that that from hearing what other women had shared that keeping those sounds low is really gonna help. Mm. And yeah, so that pushing stage uh was yeah, like maybe an hour and um I kept putting my hand up to feel where his head was at, which I really enjoyed. Like I didn't ever want anyone else. the check. just felt like I was totally happy and comfortable to feel where he was and it was really cool to feel he was like come closer then he'd go back up a bit and come further down. The craziest thing ever, right? It's just, how could you explain that to someone who's never, you know, never done that before? It's like, yeah, it's like you're like on the bridge of like life and, know, obviously babies alive, but like, you know, between worlds, like the bridge between worlds, you know, it's, yeah, it's the most incredible feeling. Yeah, I'm just getting little shivers there. Like it really took me back to it a little bit and yeah, it's wild. It's so wild. Just like, I also remember thinking like, holy shit, every woman, every mother has done this. Every person has been through this birth canal too. Not all through the birth canal, like through the birthing experience and it's just. incredible. I thought I'm never gonna do this again but I definitely will but like I thought that too it was like women do this more than once. And the sensation to poo as well was really full-on like actually remember women saying this like that you feel like you got a poo but I was convinced that there was a poo there and if I just did it then it would just feel more comfortable and then the baby comes but like that never happened. Like I put everything out the whole for the day like all day long and then yeah nothing came at the end but really that sensation was so hectic. um Probably the most uncomfortable out of all of it. But yeah and I was also sure that I was gonna tear like feeling once his head was really coming. um Yeah I was like Surely I'm going to tear in half. Like there was no stopping the force of it coming now. And even though like it was this, um I also remember I was kind of like with some surges also adding to the push. And I think it was just like this, like get this baby out kind of like it was just so full on. uh So there was a little bit of a conscious extra push here and there. but then it also be like, like, slow down. I don't want to be broken in half. um But yeah, there wasn't any tear um in the end. But yeah, his head um came out in like two kind of surges. And that point I was squatting in the pool. And once his head was out, I I felt his body turn 45 degrees angle, which was amazing. Yeah. And then the rest of his body just came out quite easily. That was in that last contraction. I laid back for that one in the water. Yeah. And yeah, I just put him up out of the water quite calmly. Like I felt really calm. um, panic and he was super vital which was awesome like he um yeah he was it was like he was already like pink and he just looked at it like I put him on my chest and he came up with like a little bit of a cough up and started to cry slowly and just looked at both of us straight in the eyes like I didn't expect a baby to like him to do that and it was wild like he was like and the feeling of that it's like he's like an alien but like so familiar. Such a such a crazy experience um and yeah we just spent some time in the water maybe like five ten minutes and then got up and he went straight for the breast and tried to lay down. on the lounge by the fire for a little bit. It was pretty uncomfortable, m like mild contractions kind of lingering. And it was about half an hour after I was born that I went to the loo with the urge to go to the toilet and um Carla had put a towel down just in case. And yeah, I sat on the toilet and the placenta just literally slid straight out. So that came up. super easefully which was also a relief and just felt yeah so much relief in my body after that. um Yeah so that so he was born at about 1am. It ended up being a like a 20 almost 25 hour labor and yeah about half an hour for the placenta to come and then yeah we were in bed and I was exhausted. I felt like I just had the biggest night out ever or something and yeah, it out by about three o'clock I reckon we went to sleep. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I just, like when you've been saying about the fire and the rain and the storms, it's like the coziest story ever. that's so, um and even like, yeah, like how crazy that, mean, obviously the power was always going to come back on, but you know, it, it's also possible that It didn't come on then like how, how different might your experience have been, especially because you love the water so much. Yeah. yeah. So glad it came on for that last little bit. Yeah, perfect. And probably, you know, not having power um in many ways probably contributed to being able to, you know, have a space that really fostered, know, despite the maybe tinge of stress about some, you know, some things like, you know, not having distractions or like really happy. mean, you forced to have like a certain light then because you know, you can't just flick a switch on and you know, noises and things like that. um that's yeah, very beautiful, Brooke, very beautiful. I can, you told it so well. I feel like I can really see it in my mind. Um, yeah, so special. And how long did Carla stick around for? So she stayed that night and yeah, she made us like this delicious rice porridge in the morning. It was like the best meal ever. was just like Ayurvedic spiced rice porridge with some stewed fruits. And we ended up eating that for weeks after, like were just addicted to it. But yeah, it was so nice to have her there in the morning and to clean up. And then she probably left. I don't know by midday. Oh yeah. That's cozy. Yeah. We weighed him and yeah, yeah, I she left at midday. And then she was coming, um I think, every couple of days the first week. Yeah, she does like 10 total visits postpartum. And she brings meals every time and treats. um so that was awesome. She really felt like part of the family. And that postpartum care became like, so vital I realised like how important that is. I knew that I wanted it but like yeah how important that is. Yeah. That's incredible. And how was your sort of initial weeks postpartum, like in terms of breastfeeding or, you know, anything like that? Um, yes, initially it was so beautiful. It was just like we're in like this timeless bliss just in our bedroom, eating all our meals on our bed, drinking teas. And it was still like rainy on and off. It was just so cozy. I just never wanted it to end. Like it was so blissful. And, um, we took it really slow. um, we, Mano and I, stayed at home for a month. Isaac kind of like started going out a bit here and there but he also didn't have other commitments, much other commitments going on so he was really available and there. um yeah breastfeeding, it was a bit painful like maybe on the second day it actually got quite sore and I very quickly got my hands on like some silver. m nursing Yeah, silver cups. Silver rats. Yeah, but that was just kind of like a few days, so that was intense and I just was like calling some different people for reassurance and guidance and Carla helped a bit there too. um And um I did end up also getting mastitis, I think like maybe two weeks in and it kind of came like twice within a few days. It came, went, came. And it was like the full flu and everything, was pretty just horrible. Yeah. um And since then I've actually had it twice again. So that has been a challenge for sure. But I have some pretty awesome herbs on hand that help eradicate it quickly. And I mean, other than that, I found breastfeeding just so beautiful. I love it. Like it's one of my favorite parts like you know when I'm feeling really uptight and stressed and like I just lay down and feed him and feel so calm and often find myself falling asleep and napping with him but yeah I love it and it's just such a deep bond that is built. um But one of the biggest things that um happened three weeks postpartum we decided to walk down to the creek at the bottom of the property. It's a really steep walk and I actually already slipped on this walk before so I was nervous to go down. Isaac was carrying Lana and yeah right down the end I slipped and fell right down, kind of caught myself but pretty much on my tailbone and the next day I felt like a bit of an itch on my vagina. was like oh is that like a bit of thrush. and had a look and it was actually like a bulge and so I had realised it was a prolapse and I had like heard the word and not really looked into it, not something that I thought I'd ever experienced. So I was like first googling which obviously doesn't give the most promising reassuring. information but I did a bit of researching and figured out that's what was going on and then um yeah that was really a big shift because I straight away was like quite worried like what is this how am I gonna heal this like some people say you never heal it um I did end up finding like some positive stories of women who um say they reversed it or they have healed it over time. um But yeah, since then that's really been one of the biggest challenges. It's been what was called from my physio about a stage two prolapse of the bladder. Wow. it's still still healing, it's still pretty much where it's at. I do have a Pessu ring in at the moment, which I got in like two months postpartum, I think. And like that's just, it's just mostly for reassurance so I can, you know, be comfortable lifting runner and doing things, a little bit of exercise and not feel like it's gonna get worse. But yeah, I am doing other things and seeing a few different, um yeah, like physical therapists and um chiro and pelvic specialists and um working with things at home that, yeah, so that's like being one of the, like mostly emotional and mental. Like physically I'm actually not experiencing pain with it. Yeah. There's been a handful of days where I feel like a little bit heaviness um and the and like my urge to we might come on really quick every now and then and I can't quite hold it. um So that's really only the physical things but like it was just quite a shock like I was kind of ready to like come out of my postpartum. um bubble and like start to carry money around and get about doing things around the house and whatnot. And pretty much everyone I was talking to was saying like, no, like lay down, get your legs up the wall as much as you can. em People were saying like, don't carry a baby. I'm like, I'm gonna carry my baby around like, and it was just like, it was stressful. was like, it was kind of like. It extended that really delicate postpartum period and it still feels like I'm kind of in that with a bit more. um Yeah, I'm definitely more comfortable with it now, but yeah, it's still it's a slow, slow healing. And um from what I have heard from quite a few people is that after. finishing breastfeeding or even just slowing down breastfeeding is um where the tissues have a lot more chance to kind of like um re-form themselves. Because everything's so soft still and that is softening hormones. So yeah, so I'm really hopeful that once breastfeeding slows down or stops that I see a big change. But yeah that's um that's been a big one. Yeah. Oh my goodness. What a journey. yeah. And crazy that you figured it like discovered it after that fall. It's almost like the universe was kind of like, Hey, pay attention kind of that's um, I think that it happened from the fall. Like it may have already been partly prolapsed. I'm quite sure that the fall actually like jarred things, know, like everything's so malleable in that time. you know, like women on bedrests and you know, like the traditions in Chinese cultures where you're not meant to get binded up and you're not meant to move for 40 days. And like, I feel like I basically Yeah, it like jarred my body and shook things out of place more than they possibly were. Yeah. Wow. What a journey. Um, that seriously is like the coziest. The way, the way you told it, it just sounds like, I don't know, like I have like this picture in my head of like fire crackling and like, storm and like rain, like the smell of the rain. What a beautiful, beautiful story. And thank you for sharing the, your experience of the prolapse because yeah, I mean, like, yeah, in healthcare systems, but in, you know, medicalized healthcare systems, I guess as a I mean, I feel like I have to say as a generalisation, it's very fragmented where like, you know, birth is here and this is here and this is here. And when you got this problem, you go there, you know, but like, like, pregnancy and labour and birth and postpartum and parent or they all like flow into each other. And it's, you know, it's one whole thing. It's not like this sort of, you know, book ended experience. It's ongoing and evolving. Yeah, uh I think that demonstrates it quite well that you just don't know how it's going to evolve and what's going to come up for you. Yeah, um I think you've shared a very valuable story. Thank you so much, Brooke. A pleasure. Yes. Very happy too.