Homebirth dad of 4 babies born at home shares his experience || Dan's experience supporting birth at home (Queensland)

This is another episode in the partners supporting birth at home series, and today Dan, husband of Rosie who shared her birth at home stories in episode 43,  shares his experience. As dad to 4 baby’s all born at home, it was great to get some insight into his thoughts about preparing and supporting a birth at home. 

As with all the partner episodes, sometimes they can be tricky to find, so please give this a share. 

Transcript

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Hi everyone, welcome to Birthing at Home, a podcast. I'm Elsie, your host. I'm a home birth mom of two little boys. I'm a mental health nurse, the co -creator of Home Birth Victoria, and I'm a Melbourne based doler. If you want to learn more about me, the podcast, or my work, check out www .birthingathome.com .au. And before we begin today, I would like to acknowledge the Wurundjeri people who are the traditional custodians of the land I'm recording on in Ngaam, Melbourne, Australia. I would also like to acknowledge the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people have been birthing at home on country for tens of thousands of years prior to the British invasion and acknowledge that sovereignty has never been ceded. This is another episode in the Partners Supporting Birth at Home series. And today, Dan, husband of Rosie, who shared her birth at home stories in episode 43, shares his experience. As dad to four babies, all born at home, it was great to get some insight into his thoughts about preparing and supporting a birth at home. And as with all the other partner episodes, sometimes they can be tricky to find. So please give this a share if you enjoy it. Welcome Dan to Birthing at Home, a podcast. Thank you for being here. Dan, so you're sharing your experiences today as a partner of Rosie, who will, by the time this episode comes out, hopefully we'll have heard Rosie's stories. So Rosie's had four births at home and you've supported Rosie through those four births. So it's awesome to have you on today. Do you want to give a bit more background about who you are? who's in your family, that kind of thing? obviously I got Rosie as my wife, three, sorry, four kids, sometimes on all his track. the eldest is about to turn 10, youngest turned three. I live on the Sunshine Coast, in the hinterland, out in the mountains, on a bit of acreage out there. And yeah, we love it. Yeah, amazing. And so because Rosie's had, you know, four births at home, going back pre 10 years ago, before the birth of Reuben in 2014, what was your sort of understanding of birth pregnancy? Like, did you know about home birth or like? birthing unassisted, that kind of stuff? Growing up we had family friends that some of them had free births, home births and things like that. So I sort of had more of a introduction to it than Rosie did. Initially it seemed like the ones at free births were the sort super spiro. They had the mindset and the... spiritual backing to be able to free birth. But then as time went on and coming across more people in that way of thinking, sort of started to realize it wasn't just the super spiros, it was more about the physiological side than the spiritual side. Yeah. Yeah, cool. And so, It was kind of just like normalized for you. For me, it became normal. Rosie didn't have that background. So I was her introduction to it. And, know, through conversation and, you know, her interest in it, obviously looking at having kids, she started doing her own research and, and, really aligned our thinking, you know, once she, you know, realized the education behind it and what made sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. And the lead up to like the birth of Reuben and like engaging with private midwives and stuff like that. Did you have any like concerns or fears or even like in terms of Rosie having like any questions and whatnot, was there a particular way that you were able to provide support during that period, like in pregnancy? We really walked through it all together. And there weren't really any surprises. We're always talking about, you know, how is this going to play out? What are the plans? There wasn't really any fear. I'm quite a logical person. so Rosie really, I guess, consolidated my thinking with actual facts. So coming into the birth, was a no brainer. It made sense. So I was on board. Yeah. Yeah. And so when Ruben was born at home, was that the first time that you'd seen birth before? In face to face? Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember like how that felt or like what some like thoughts were going through your head at the time? Obviously it was a little while ago, but I mean, even reflecting on the other threes like births like How did you feel? I was very much in the fix it mode, especially for the first one, because I had no idea what to expect. for, I guess for the partner, all you see is a big fat belly. You don't feel the movements inside. You don't get to experience all of the ins and outs of pregnancy. So it's more of a fairy tale that one day is going to happen. So when it when Ruben came out, was kind of a bit of a shock to the system. this is for real. this is a real baby. So there was a bit of getting used to. Yeah. I didn't really know how to support Rosie through the labor and the birth itself. That wasn't something that we discussed. It wasn't really on our radar. Just ignorance, basically. I was quite busy getting the hot water going and you know, in hindsight, I would have been better off by her side. you know, through the course of birth, so I got to learn where I should be. And, and I guess I got better at it. But then at the same time, Rosie got better at doing it herself. You know, with, you know, when Eliza came out, she, she wanted to do the catching, I was quite hands off. And yeah, that was a And then once Jethro came around, she knew what she was doing. yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And during this, like, you know, over the past 10 years, four births at home, especially between like other, you know, dads or, you know, maybe men that you've worked with or, you know, your mates with have any like criticisms of of that sort of, you know, birthing at home ever come up like in conversation? I haven't come across any a lot of the first response from people that aren't in the home birth space is usually, are you guys a game? You know, you got your, your, your brave doing that sort of a thing. that's, that's sort of the only negative, you know, response. Yeah. But yeah, it's from the men's side of things. Most men don't really go around and talk about birthing and how was it born? Was it breach? Was it face in this way? How long was the labor? So it's not really a conversation that I found that men like to dive into. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess that's probably why You know, I am so passionate about like getting some of these episodes out, like perspectives from, partners of women that birth at home, because generally, yeah, it's not a conversation that you're having when you're a 17 year old boy, you know, or like in your twenties. so it's like a whole new world. often for women, right, it's, you know, maybe they've not really thought about birth. or pregnancy before, but you might kind of imagine that all that maybe one day I'll have a baby. And so you kind of like have an understanding that all one day it's going to be something, but I suppose like from a male perspective, I guess that's not really like something that you're like anticipating so much. Not at all, because it's not, it's, it's not as it's not a big issue for us. don't really think about. how is this baby gonna be born? All we know is what we grew up with. So you just had this sort of like, especially because birth at home was like normalized for you growing up. You just came into it as like, this is just a, just another option. And I think that's like pretty amazing. Not many people like experienced that. I guess in my personal experience, My husband, he was born at home. So I guess, you know, it's similar kind of thing. Like he was like, well, this is just like a thing that, you know, why is this is not a big deal. For, you know, partners out there that might be listening, do you have any? words of wisdom or advice or tips or anything like that on, know, trying to, you know, lean more into that sort of process of trusting and trusting, your partner's decision around like their body and whatnot. I would say do your homework. regardless of what you end up doing with the, you know, if the, it's on the fence, whether you're doing a, having a home birth or not, at least know that you're making your own decision and you're well informed either way, rather than just going along with what your partner might say, have a bit of input into it. it is, it is almost taboo in the men's world birth. So it's quite easy to just go along with things. But it is nice for the woman to have a partner that has some education, has confidence either way, but knows that he can trust her body to do what it needs to do. And he's not sitting on the fence thinking in the back of his mind, we should have gone to hospital, we should be doing this. Become rock solid in your thinking so that you can support you can support her and be on the same page rather than having your mind elsewhere and going, well, I hope this works out. Yeah, absolutely. so Levi and Reuben were both home births with midwives, but then Eliza and Jethro were born at home unassisted in the sense of no midwives. Was there anything you know, because obviously with Ruben and Levi, I you've got that second or, you know, not second, but like added layer of like, well, you know, we had got a trained midwife present. So like, I imagine to some extent that sort of removes a layer of, you know, well, I don't have to worry about it so much because like the midwife will be there. But for Eliza and Jethro, were there any things, any particular, circumstances that you kind of had to like problem solve together to be like, okay, well, if this if this comes up, like this is what we'll do. Eliza's birth was very hectic. The way that it all happened. You know, we were out of the house for eight months while insurance were fixing it up after tree fell on it. And in the last couple of months, I was very busy renovating the other half of the house. So we didn't really get to spend a lot of time working through the possibilities of what if this or what if that. But Rosie, very diligently, she did all that thinking for me and did up a whole laminated folder of if this then this or if I pass out then you do that. I had a manual to go to. So I didn't really have to have all of that knowledge in my head. I had something that I could go to. And I guess because it was so quick, I didn't really need to, there wasn't any time to think about it. You know, I was still screwing the taps on the bath while she was, you know, 10 minutes away from popping Eliza out. that didn't really pop up with Eliza. because with every birth, Rosie became a lot more confident in her body and what she knew was to happen. So I was really rolling with where she was at in her mind space. So if she'd been quite hesitant or had worries, then that would have, you know, required a lot more forethought on my side. And then with Jethro, he was a very quick laborer. was seven o 'clock in the morning, I think, and then she had a first contraction and 45 minutes later he was out. Something like that, don't quote me. But yeah, well, yeah. So I need to think about the ifs, buts or maybes. but I think, you know, if there were some complications or it did drag out, you know, we would have talked about it and came up with a plan at the time. terms of like postpartum, you know, especially like with after Jethro having four kids, you know, and Rose is obviously recovering from birth of Jethro with like the other three running about. How does that feel like from a dad's perspective? We put a lot of effort into training the kids and them fitting into the family rather than us surrounding ourselves around what the kids are doing. So the kids were very adaptable. All the kids have been home with the births. So there wasn't really much of an issue. They tended to fit in. There was a new baby in the house. Yeah, I just took over what Rosie was doing and so Rosie could have her space and I didn't find it too difficult. Whereas I know that, you know, other people may find it difficult. It's definitely worth thinking about and planning ahead. You know, if the kids are a bit more work, you know, think about what's going to play out. Who's going to be looking after the kids? Who's going to rush in at 10 o 'clock at night to mine number one and number number two and three for, you know, the birth of number four, there's, there things to think about. Yeah, absolutely. And do you feel like having, like having had kids all born at home and they're sort of like free, free of like the medicalization of birth sort of sense, like, do you feel like that influences how you parent? or even like how you respond to like the challenges in parenthood? I think so because rather than putting our trust into someone else or an institution, we took the full responsibility of the birth on ourselves. And moving forward in life, we've taken full responsibility of the decisions and the way that we raise our children rather than saying, Okay, well, we're going to, we homeschool our kids. So it sort of plays out in that too, rather than going, I'm going to trust the system. I'm going to, somebody else is going to raise the kids and look after them. We've chosen to take on the full responsibility of that. And it is, it's, you know, it's a, it's a tough gig because if something does go wrong, it does fall down on us as the, know, as the individual making that, that call. but, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Yeah, I do like having the say in what happens with my children, whether from the day that they're born from before they're born right through their life. It's, it's a, it's a holistic approach that we, you know, we've adapted and we roll with it. It's, very empowering. and, and fulfilling as well. Yeah. Amazing. And like thinking. you know, back on the, on the path past for experiences that you've had, like being at birth, is there like a moment that, you know, you particularly look forward to like the most, or is it, you know, has something happened that you've like positively like look back and be like, like that was actually, you know, amazing or things like that. think as a man, it's the mind. birthing is a very logical mindset. It's fix -it mode. it's, whereas a woman in, especially in transition, know, her, she is not there. She is somewhere else in that time. And so I find that I get very practical. So the hype of it isn't really there as much. And even as soon as the baby's out, is it a boy or a girl, I'm still in checking to make sure everything's okay. What do we need? Do we need blankets? Do we need a towel? Do we need a drink of water? Is everything okay? Is there too much blood? Is all that. So it is a very emotionally switched off, I found it to be. But obviously there is still, you know, when I see my wife holding a brand spanking little baby and the look on her face, that does trigger a lot of emotion in me. And it's more of a follow on effect than me seeing a baby come out of the water. That to me, it's exciting, it's great, but it doesn't trigger the emotion as much as when I see my partner. holding that baby on the outside of her body for the first time. That's, that's where the emotion kicks in. Yeah. And I guess in contrast, thinking about the past four, you know, births, has there been like any particular moment that you've, you know, thought, crap, or, you know, that's, you know, maybe triggered a little bit of fear in you or anything like that. Or like maybe even just like questioning, like, like, I don't know if this is right or like, I'm not really sure what to do now. No, not at all. Every birth really stacked on top of the one before, as far as confidence goes and knowledge of birth. And for, for us, you know, if there wasn't number five, it would be a free birth hands down without a doubt. Yeah. Yeah. So it's. If anything, know, if anything, the decision is getting stronger, you know, heading in that direction. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing. And I guess like to sort of finish up in a sort of shorter episode, but like still very incredible because like this is what it should be like. I shouldn't have to like interview dads to like try and convince other dads to, you know, think about home birth in a positive light. But you know, or in in along that line of thought as well, if somebody like if another dad or like, you know, to be dad to be came up to you and asked you what's the best thing you could do when looking into home birth as a dad, do you have like, like a tip or like what like, what a wisdom like was there any like obviously Rosie had like the folder of, you know, do this, if that kind of thing. there anything in particular that was helpful? I mean, that in itself sounds pretty helpful, like having a folder like that, but can you add anything to that? For the birth itself or if they're on the fence deciding whether to or not? Yeah, I think if they're like on the fence. I would definitely say do your research. Like I said before, don't just do it because that's the in thing or because your friends did it. If you're not 100 % there, don't do it. A lot of it comes down to mental space and the energy that's carried. And if you're not there, don't do it. But do your research. Look at the facts. There are a lot of facts out there on caesarean rates, interventions, things like that. You know, men are very logical. And so if you take away the, you know, what we've seen on TV or heard, if you go in and look at the actual facts and the success of home birth and free birth, not just the birth itself, but the ongoing, you know, years to come, the trauma for the, for the mum, the trauma for the child. They're all things that come into play in the decision. And all I would say is just look at the facts. Do your research, look at the facts, but don't do it blindly. Don't do it blindly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the facts like speak for themselves, right? And I guess that's how we know that the current maternity system is more culture -based than evidence -based because if it was evidence -based then it'd be very different. But yeah. Alright, thank you so much for sharing your experience and perspective with us, Dan. No worries.